Shoulds: A Shortcut to Misery in Relationship
How many times a day do you tell yourself that you should do something; or that you shouldn't do something? Ten, twenty, a hundred? How many times do you tell your mate they should do something, or they tell you? When you're barking at your honey, you know you should be talking nicer. When you're fighting with your mate again, you know you should be more enlightened than to argue over the dishes. When you've been on a date, and you don't want to call the guy again, you know you should at least finish it politely.
And when you find yourself arguing with your partner over something ridiculous, you're now having the double-whammy misery of arguing AND feeling crappy because you're engaged in an activity you know you shouldn't be engaged in, thereby proving to yourself that you're a schmuck!
Every time you tell yourself there's something you should do, you're setting yourself up for internal battle. A should is like a want with a moral judgment on top. And because the judgment is inherent in the should, you feel judged whenever a should is directed towards you. What is your instinctive reaction to someone telling you you should do this or that? For most people, it's to say NO (a small group will say, "Oh, you're right, I'll get right on it"). If you're like most, there's a rebel inside that will not take orders from anyone, and will make sure to state that very clearly.
The unfortunate side-effect of this rebelliousness is that your forget to consider what you actually want. For instance, your partner might tell you you should clean up your desk. In your determination to not take orders, all your attention gets directed towards making sure you DON'T clean up your desk. And what is so interesting is that you actually might enjoy your desk clean. But you never even get in touch with that because you're so busy being in reaction defending your position.
If you're anything like yours truly, it's not even necessary to be in relationship to be driven mad by the should-machine. You can do it all by yourself. There are these voices in your head telling you you should know better, you should be smarter, more successful, a better father, a better lover, a better mother, a better breadwinner. You tell yourself, if you can't do what you darn well please, you're certainly not going to do what they tell you! And hence you find yourself in constant reaction to these judgments coming at you, and you totally forget to feel what you actually want for yourself. Might you actually want to be a better father or a better lover? Quite possibly, correct?
There's an easy way out of the misery. Every time you tell yourself "should", replace the "should" with "could". This little mind trick has huge impact on your entire state of mind and your physiology. Replacing should with could puts you immediately in a space of possibility instead of a space of fighting and resistance. When you "should" do something, there's no choice, it's a command, period. Do it or fight it. When you "could" do something, there are automatically other things you could do as well, and now you have choice in the matter. "You should do the dishes" turns into "You could do the dishes." Hmm, you could, that's true, or you could do something else.
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